Things Left Unsaid

For Grandma

No matter how expected a person’s passing is, there is always a hole left in the lives of the living. Things are left undone, words unsaid, lingering questions are unasked. Guilt that perhaps something more could or should have been done for the person while they still lived settles permanently in the corners of the souls of those closest to them.

Some regrets I carry with me as I move forward in a world with a grandmother-shaped hole in it:

  • I wish you could have held my firstborn in your arms just once. My future child would not have been your first great-grandchild, but I know you would have been as thrilled as you were every other time.
  • I wish I had tried harder and gotten published sooner so you could have read one of my books. I know you would have enjoyed my stories as much as I’ve always enjoyed yours.
  • I wish I had spent more time asking questions about your life. There are so many unfilled gaps in my knowledge of the narrative of your life, and every one must remain a mystery now.
  • I wish I had said “Thank you” and “I love you” more often and more enthusiastically.

But one of the things she taught me was to live with strength and integrity. Part of that is not dwelling on regret but rather looking towards the future and carrying only the good forward. I will not wallow in sorrow. Instead, I choose to remember the rich legacy left behind.

  • All the things you taught me, from baking secrets to caring about the well-being of people I had never and would never meet.
  • Sixty-nine years of love and companionship with a husband who was also a partner.
  • The amazing adventures of a long life and the lives you touched around the world.
  • The pure joy you took in simple things, from sunset over the lake to music played by family.
  • Your bright spirit, enquiring mind, unquenchable optimism and boundless love.

They say that as long as the dead are remembered by the living they too continue to live on. I have only to look at all the amazing people who remember to realize this is true. Perhaps I will not remember every moment of every day, but the gifts and lessons bestowed on me by one loving, enlightened lady will never fade into darkness. I choose to celebrate her amazing life rather than mourn her passing. So long as I remember she is not truly gone.

Never forgotten, always missed, celebrated forever.

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6 Comments

  1. Amy said,

    October 27, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    What a wonderful tribute; both the post and your attitude. She sounds like an amazing woman.

    ((hugs)) — I’m so sorry for your loss.

  2. October 27, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Your grandmother sounds like a remarkable woman, Lia.

    I’ll bet she was especially proud of you too.

    Take care, hon.

    • Bookewyrme said,

      October 27, 2010 at 10:42 pm

      Thanks Maria and Amy. She was a very special lady and very much one of my heroes. She’d been sick for over a year so in some ways it’s almost a relief that she’s in peace now. But I’ll always miss her.

  3. Rafael said,

    October 27, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    I lost my two remaining grandparents (both on my father’s side) this year. Recuperating now from the emotional collapse their deaths caused.

    You’re a better person for having them in your life.

    • Bookewyrme said,

      October 27, 2010 at 11:31 pm

      I’m sorry to hear that Rafa. I agree though, having had grandparents in your life is always a blessing. 🙂

  4. aunt sarah said,

    November 1, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Beautiful. Can You send this on to th e rest of your aunts and to Rebecca and Andrew?


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